Earning Love

It took me a long time to realize that I had a deep seeded belief that I earn the love given to me. 

It may sound silly to say out loud or write, but years ago I realized that I truly lived out of the belief that the level of my success and accomplishments equaled the amount I was able to be loved.  Good (and bad) thing for me that I was generally “successful” according to people's standards early in life. This is why it took me a while to realize. 

I remember it pretty vividly- the argument turned discussion that opened my eyes to the fact that I did not receive grace or love all that well. Jeff and I in the Target parking lot, we had 2 kids under one back home with grandma, an 18 year-old at home (but never really home), and an 18 year-old away at college. The year was 2014, and I was a ripe 27 years young. 

I don’t remember the whole conversation, but I remember the part where we finally calmed our voices, when we finally heard each other, when Jeff asked me, “Julie, have you actually received God’s grace?” In that moment, I had to pause and think.  You see, I was raised in church, I had been a Christian for 20 years, I had been serving in church with Jr High and High School students for almost 10 years, I was married to a Pastor! I could explain grace to anyone! I could define it, give scriptures about it, and probably even think of several different sermons on the topic. But the staggering truth started to bubble up in my heart.  I didn’t want to need grace. “Grace,” by definition is unmerited, unable to be earned. If I needed grace, what did that mean for me?

I slowly started to realize that from the time I was 15, shortly after my dad’s unexpected death, success became my drug of choice and my measuring stick for my worth. If I was not able to earn something, where could I find my value? 

Now take the belief that success =value and love, plant it in my heart for a decade, and where did that put me? I thought I had to earn, or HAD earned, the love and affection of people around me. My value was in what I could accomplish on any given day, and I only believed someone could love me to the level I could do something for them.  

We often don’t realize when we start building a core belief until WAY after it has been formed. And just because we finally see it does not mean it magically disappears. I have spent some time chipping away at this faulty belief. I have learned it is OK to not be OK, that I am allowed to have gaps,  faults, and needs. My actions matter, but they do not earn me love. Because of this, I have learned to love more freely, offer more grace, and to be OK when people are not OK. I have been freed up from being all things to all people in hopes that they love me. 

I take the risk in sharing this because I wonder how many people in this world only allow themselves to be loved to the level of their “success.” How many of us find our worth in what we do instead of who we are? If there is anyone out there who does, my prayer is that you are able to receive love and grace, to see yourself as someone who is worthy because an unwavering God has displayed that you are.  It is said the worth of something is determined by the price someone is willing to pay for it. If you can see that Jesus paid the price of his life for you, can you see that you are worth more than ANY worldly success marker out there?

Today, my hope is that we can all learn to give and receive love and grace more freely.