There is a saying for teams that “We are only as strong as our weakest link.” As a college coach this is 100% accurate. One person can completely obliterate a defensive strategy or destroy a designed play. While teammates can, and do, pick up the slack for the weakest player, it does impact the overall effectiveness and fluidity of the team. Even if you are not on a sports team- the saying is true. When one person in a business or a relationship slacks, other people have to choose to fill in the gaps or welcome failure or weakness on some level.

But- The same is true for relationships:

A relationship can only be as healthy as the least healthy person in that relationship.

- insert contemplative pause-

To clarify, I do not mean to say that an emotionally healthy person will not be able to have a relationship with someone who is dealing with unhealthy habits and tendencies. I only mean to say that the level of boundaries in that relationship will be based on the level of health or unhealth of the people involved.

When we hear about codependent relationships or situations where people are so obviously enabling someone else’s disfunction, we tend to judge harshly- but let us not be too hastey. Just because we are not enabling someone to whatever that point is- does not mean we are innocent. Every person has a LEAST one unhealthy relationship. Why? Because we are all unhealthy to some extent, and we all know and love unhealthy people! That is not bad, we just need to be aware of it. Emotional and relational health is something so interesting. We may have all the knowledge and tools as a person, but there can still be that one relationship that triggers us and we totally forget all of our practice and run to unhealthy habits. We all really do need emotionally healthy people in their lives so that they can speak the truth in love to us when we succumb to our triggers and irritations, when we forget grace and live in pride, or when we become so self-consumed that we lose sight of others. We all need help no matter how healthy we think we are.

So, if you consider yourself an emotionally healthy person in the relationship, it is not your job to “save” other people. On the contrary, it is your job to love them and set boundaries emotionally and physically (when needed) to allow everyone involved to grow and mature. Someone who is emotionally and relationally healthy will embrace the discomfort of confrontation, but be able to confront with love and humility.

There was a whole season in my life where I was totally OK with embracing confrontation, but I would not do it with love and humility- I would do it to show that I was right and they were wrong. I can still succumb to that bad habit if I am not both aware and intentional. I have to consciously choose health and humility if I want to enjoy intimate relationships.

It is natural for people to develop and change, but it takes intentionality for a person to grow in healthy ways. It takes twice as much intentionality to make sure a relationship grows in a positive trajectory because there is a whole other person involved.

Rest assured, in any relationship, the only way to improve the health of that relationship is to improve your own personal health. Obviously, if two people are growing into health, that is the most ideal, BUT (and this is a big but) you can only change yourself, you have no control over the other person. As you continue to grow you will see that the responsibility of your relational health rests fully on you. It is your responsibility to look at your childhood training and see where it fell short. If you only learned avoidance then you have the choice to learn how to confront. If you only learned harsh confrontation, you have the choice to learn how to listen. We all have the personal responsibility to choose who we will be and how we will act as an adult. This means we will have to walk through relearning some hard things, but it is worth it.

Growth is messy, sometimes we overdo a learning or misapply something and it brings added tension. Sometimes we ignore a learning and get mad at ourselves for making the same mistakes. Take heart! Pick up today right where you are. Look in the mirror before blaming someone else. See what you can choose in the situation. Make a better choice. We all have choices- we need only to learn to embrace and own the consequence (good and bad) of whatever we choose. We can choose to be the weakest link, or we can choose to grow.

Dec 15, 2021

What I'm Learning

Learning is living and I like living, so I admit I will always be in process. Here is a little something I am learning this week.

Jul 17, 2020

Festering Wounds

There are many wounds- physical, emotional and spiritual- that fester, worsen, and spread if not dealt with appropriately.

A boil is a minor physical wound known to fester. In the technical sense, a boil is a painful infection of a hair follicle and the surrounding skin. It begins as a red lump, then fills with pus as white blood cells rush in to fight the infection (I asked Google). But even minor wounds ignored or inappropriately treated can have major consequences. The longer we go without proper treatment, the larger the risk for further damage.

May 6, 2020

Yelling at God

Have you ever had a yelling match with God? Has your pain, desperation, or anguish been so deep that the words either come out in choked sobbs or blood curdling screams? What was it for you? Was it the loss of a loved one? A tragic accident, a misarriage, or a betrayal? Was it watching someone you love suffer?

Apr 6, 2020

Human Training- a Coach and Mom Perspective

The other day the boys and I were driving home from “chalking” a friend’s house. With everyone “safer at home” these days, we can’t play with our friends, but we can show them some love. Anyway, one of my boys looks at me and out of nowhere says, “Mom, I know an option of what will make me whine less. If you just give me whatever I want, I would not need to whine anymore!”

“Interesting thought son” I said with a little chuckle “Well, if I give you EVERYTHING you want right now, you will basically be a horrible human later and probably won’t have any friends-- So I am willing to put up with some whining now so that way you are a good human later.”

And without hesitation, he responds ever so logically: “Well mom, I am just saying it IS an option.”

Who is this kid? I just have to laugh! “Yes, you’re right, it IS an option- but not one I am choosing.”

Mar 30, 2020

Appreciating the Purpose and Shifting the Focus

I miss the women I coach today. We were just starting the main section of competition when college sports was shut down, Universities went to online platforms, and students went home. It all happened so fast. I love my job, and I am reminded yet again, just why I love it so much. As a coach, I get to see the daily process of the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of people that impact their success of failure. Not only that, I get to help them define success, reframe difficulty, overcome challenges, and learn to thrive. I see the best and worst of my athletes, and they see the best and worst of me!

Sometimes I help people solve problems, and sometimes I “cause” problems- on purpose- but not in a malicious way. When I create obstacles, uphold standards, give test sets, and create competition I can see who is in a state to overcome and who is in a state to succumb…

Mar 26, 2020

Social Distance- Emotional Closeness

I went to drop off a birthday present to my friend the other day and was like, “I’ll just drop it here and when I walk away you can pick it up.” Social distancing totally sucks!

But what is the silver lining and the learning?

Jan 24, 2020

What Defines a Life?

What defines a man or woman?

As we watch the response to the sudden death of Kobe Bryant, it gives everyone impacted by his life an opportunity to pause and think about what is really important and what truly defines us.

Feb 7, 2019

Black History Month in a Biracial Home

I got to admit, MLKJ day makes conversations interesting at my house with two five-year-old brothers with different skin tones. This is the first year the kids have initiated conversation and while they are necessary, the questions remain: how much do I divulge? What are they “ready” to understand? How realistic do I depict things? How do I respond to their questions and comments?

Dec 14, 2018

Dreams Deferred

Dreams deferred are never fun, they can weigh on us and even haunt us, but here is a story about how there can still be purpose and promise in the waiting.

Nov 23, 2018

Racism in the Airport

I was recently traveling with my husband to a conference. Since we fly Southwest he has a habit of leaving me, the rule follower, at boarding time to see if he can board earlier than his boarding pass allows. (It is like a game to him… insert my eye roll here.)

Here I was, leaving California, joining the herd toward the boarding line. I made one of those little connections with the kind woman, close to my age, who was next to me. We both became fixated on the gymnastic competition displayed on the wall TV. Just then, an older white woman came up to us asking what numbers we were in the cue.

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