Identity Crisis?

I am finding myself ever more frequently saying, “I used to say...” or “I used to think...” and I think that is a good thing.  It shows that I am learning and growing. It shows me I am not stuck seeing the world from my own lense… I think… I hope.  

One thing that I used to say, was “women generally have a higher frequency of ‘identity crisis’ than men do.” And I still see some truth in that statement, but I think that every life change, in both males and females, is an opportunity for mini identity crisis. I just think that women have more cultural transitions in “the normal American Dream” version of life than the average man.  Here is the basic expectation of men and women in our culture. Male track: grow taller than your mom, get a job, succeed at the job, maybe get married and maybe have a family. Female track: succeed in school, succeed in your extracurricular activity, look pretty, graduate college, look pretty, get a job, look pretty, get married, have a family, look pretty, retire, and still look pretty. I also tend to focus on the issues women have with identity because I coach college female athletes, and go figure, I am a woman! I watch as these women step out of athletics into “the real world.” Some transition a little more smoothly because they already know sport was just a tool to help to propel them into academic and career opportunity. Many others though have a challenging time navigating what it looks like to live without the “athlete” identity.  Now, don’t get me wrong, male athletes go through this phase of transition too after their playing days are over, but culturally and socially the challenges are different… and I coach women, so let me talk about what I see daily.

Here is the reality check: there is a certain level of sadness and grief when we loose something that was important to us. It can be a sport, a job, our health, a relationship, or even a valuable item. Changing from the natural phases of life will cause grief and joy. But let’s get real: people have identity crises in their life when the thing they lost was the very thing that they placed their identity in. They put their identity in what they do rather than who they are. This is not a distinctly female truth, anyone who has an identity crisis does so because they placed their identity in someone or something that failed them or disappeared.  However, I do still believe women are left more susceptible to the tension of transition and identity loss because of the ever changing cultural expectations.  Just when we have wrapped our mind around their current role, a new title or identity is given to them, taken from them, or forced on them by media.

My biggest identity crisis came when I became a mom. I knew what being “successful” looked like before kids, but that got increasingly jumbled for me with each child that entered our house. I had teenagers and infants! Was I a taxi? a milk machine? a cook? Was I even a coach still? Where did I go? These were all very real questions I had to work through. And here is were it took me.

“I am NOT what I do.” And I have to fight to live that out to this day. Our job, the many different hats we wear, they do not define WHO we are.  When we place our identity in anyTHING or anyONE, we will eventually be let down. But when we see ourselves as sons and daughters of God- who created us on purpose, for a purpose- we can fulfill that purpose in the many different stages of life.  

I think the key is looking not so much at WHAT we do, but WHY, and HOW we do it.  There have been authors of many books who have pointed at this idea, and each time I read those books I can’t help but think of Song of Solomon. In Song of Solomon, the richest man on earth tries every single pleasure in excess and then decides, “all is meaningless” without God. Truly, life can often feel meaningless and exhausting. But with the sustaining power of God and an everlasting purpose, we are able to “run and not grow weary” and we are able to know without a shadow of a doubt that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14) to “do good works”(Eph 2:10).

So, embrace the platforms the Lord has gifted you and look at why you are there and how you can expand the kingdom of God in that place. You are not what you do, but what you do matters, and why we do it matters even more. Am I building my own fame, platform and fortune, or am I building God’s kingdom?  So if you feel like you are in an identity crisis (large or small) or that you place your identity in what you do, I want to encourage you: seek wise counsel, get back to the root identity of who you are, and make time to listen to Jesus. It has rocked my world and still does on the daily.